First Love, Then Marriage, Can chemo take my baby carriage?

"I'm assuming you two are wanting to have children." the surgeon said "You may want to look at having your eggs harvested, chemotherapy can result in infertility."

The word "infertility" stung more then being told I had cancer. Like I've previously said, we caught it early enough that I could have my wedding. I was so happy, so excited to get married to move to the next step of my life, but this I couldn't believe...I may not be able to have kids. I had never heard of this as being a issue. The longer I thought about it, the women I know and hear about battling cancer usually had kids already or are in menopause, so of course this isn't something that I would think of as being an issue with cancer.

I made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist before an oncologist or a reconstructive surgeon. I needed to do EVERYTHING I could to ensure that I protected my ability to have children. Due to a cancelation, and the flexibility of my schedule, I was able to see the doctor the next day. The doctor let me know that they have a higher success rate with freezing of embryos then eggs, and since I was getting married he recommended that frozen embryos were the best route, and I agreed. That day I was able to come home to Jesse with a grin and a brown paper bag....at least he gets to participate in all of this with me. As I am having vaginal ultrasounds, Jesse had the choice to go into the office and make a sample or carry one in the brown paper bag I gave him. Whichever it was, it gave me the smile I needed.

Ultimately I decided that I would go through the treatments, they started yesterday. I am going to have a 80-90% successful back up plan. Which is better then no back up plan. Also, after going through chemotherapy it does not mean that I will be infertile, its a very large chance. There are so many variables that come into play, my overall health, the types of drugs, length of treatment, my own body and how it responds. The question really became "Was I willing to take a risk that my ovaries will be okay after chemo?", "Can I chance that I will have kids naturally?" After talking to a dear friend of mine, who did not have the option or time when she battled her own cancer, it became clear that I had to use the time that I was given so I would have no regrets later.

The Reproductive center hooked me up with pharmacy which helps with cases like mine. See, my health insurance does not cover fertility cases like mine; 31, no kids, breast cancer, chances of chemotherapy taking away my fertility. They would only provide coverage if after the fact I was infertile, and by that point my ovaries may be yo damaged by the chemotherapy. They were willing to cover my office visits, so something is better then nothing. Since I was denied by insurance, didn't have children, never had treatments, or chemo before I qualified for help. So a large amount of my fertility drugs are being provided to me at no cost, which is more then amazing. I am also being helped by another charity to assist in covering the other expenses, which helps make such a busy stressful time that much easier. As I was told that both charities were helping me I cried tears of joy, I never thought I would need the help of a charity, but I finally understood how people felt when they got help when they were least expecting it.

In a couple years, I will probably still have this blog, but I think I will have to change the name of this blog from "KP vs the Big C" I am thinking something more like "KP: Supermom!"

Drains, Drains Go Away....

I made it! Its been two days since my surgery and I'm shuffling around. The day after the surgery, all my doctors came and check in on me, even my OBGYN that found it, every single one said I was more alert then they thought I would be. The morning of the surgery, I checked in the hospital around 11:00am, and began getting prepared, blood pressure, connecting to iv's etc. I would go back and forth getting teary eyed, my fear had finally caught up to me. I was scared, hungry, thirsty, and hot. It wasn't until I was told that I was being injected with radioactive dye for a sentinel lymph node biopsy that I finally did the ugly cry! The two nurses came in the room to prep me to be injected with radioactive dye. The older of the two was in training (this I learned after the fact) she started to explain to me what was going to happen, "They are going to create 4 small incisions in your affected breast and inject it with dye, and its going to be painful" ???? incisions??? painful??? no numbing??? I was officially freaked, my face squished right on up and I lost it. She immediately started apologizing and the other lady in the room tried to calm me down. The doctor came in, I was crying and shaking, and he told me he would do it real quick. He then gave me 4 needle pricks, and injected me, both I could feel and they did hurt, but not to the extent of her explanation.Immediately afterward she started apologizing and explained she is still learning on the delivery part...yeah, I could see that. A 3rd RN came in after they left and she made the comment later that the explanation made her worry about the pain and she knew exactly what they were doing. I spent the next couple hours talking to doctors, nurses and family. I said my "see you in a couple hours" to my family and was finally rolled into the operating room. I was loopy but awake when I got the OR, I moved onto the table with little help. I saw a lot of blue, green, and silver around. I'm lucky enough to have HORRIBLE eyesight, so even with all the operating tools I couldn't make out anything so I didn't have a chance to do another ugly cry. The surgery took longer then they anticipated, they were able to go back implants immediately. The surgeon found cancer had spread to the sentinel lymph node, so he took an extra for additional testing. A couple hours later I woke up, and was wheeled to my room. Jesse was able to stay the night with me so that made me feel better. Now, I have a lifetime risk of getting lymphedema. I can't let blood or blood pressure be taking from it and if I fly I need to wear a compression sleeve. I woke up every couple hours, vitals checked, given more pain medicine, and every time I shuffled around, Jesse was shuffling around behind me with my little IV drip since I couldn't lift my arms up enough to control it. I walked myself out of the hospital the next morning, they asked if I wanted a wheelchair...nope, I could do this walk. Sure enough I shuffled right on out, I had to slow down for my family to catch up. I'm now at home shuffling around feeling like a spider, I have 2 drain lines. underneath my armpits. They are making sleeping, uncomfortable and awkward, but I am making it work. Hopefully, by the end of next week, they will be taken out of me.

Out with the old, in with the new.

Six years ago I got a breast augmentation. It was complete vanity as to why I got an augmentation, my breasts were two different sizes. I am well aware that "everyone" has different size breasts, but does everyone have one breast that barely fits into a A cup and another spilling out of a B? The straw that broke the camels back was when the size difference was being pointed out to me. I would wear t-shirts and NO, NOT A DROP of alcohol was around, and a couple comments were made. I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like no matter what clothing item I buried myself under it was always in the back of my mind. It was a mental battle I was tired of fighting alone. My augmentation surgery was flawless, I bounced right back, I was def extremely proud of my new....assets. I was always told that I would need to do an upkeep to them every 10 years, I never thought my upkeep would be coming only after 6 years.

Shortly, after the diagnosis the question became, "Are you going to choose to remove them both?" My sister told me she would cut her's off and not worry about, this bluntness is why I love her. I wasn't quite sure of my own personal answer and I was still waiting to see the results of my BRCA gene mutation test. I received the test results about two weeks after I took it. I do possess the BRCA gene 2 mutation, due to the increased cancer risks I will receive a bilateral mastectomy. I feel to young to have cancer, the statistics state only 12% of the general population will get breast cancer in their lifetime, by having the BRCA2 gene, my chances shot up to 45%. At least I do not have to debate what I want to do during an already stressful time, so thats a plus, but wait, this oh so lovely gene has now shot my ovarian cancer chance from 1.4% to almost 17%, awesome right? Let's go ahead and throw ahead in chances of pancreatic cancer for good measure.

Today, its not about vanity, its about retaining who I am, what I feel is my femininity and not letting cancer make choices for me. I always thought one day I would get rid of the implants, but getting rid of them would be on my own terms. I go into surgery today at 2pm for the bilateral and reconstruction, the reconstructive surgeon's goal is to immediately put in new implants since I already have the pockets for them, however, he will have tissue expanders waiting, in case it immediate implants are not feasible. Following the surgery I am going to probably be down on myself, I am going to be bandaged, drugged, dealing with drain lines and defeated (temporarily). I will try to do everything in my power to not let myself to be defeated for long, I guess we will see.