I fell off the blogging wagon back in October. There's really not a good reason as to why I stopped, other then I wanted to live my life, I wanted to enjoy every second of it. There were ups and downs, but I felt so alive
In October, my life was quite busy. I somehow managed to juggle the Kansas City Royals going to the world series, taking a class, working and completing chemotherapy treatments. I loved every second of it (except chemo, no one loves chemo). The Royals made me feel like me again, I got to jump, scream and cheer. My bald head sweating underneath my Royals Colored headscarf or hat, my throat hurting from cheering at the top of my lungs, I even got a chance to follow them to San Francisco, exactly what the doctor ordered it was magical. I stayed up late, woke up early for work, made it to class, and even had two rounds of chemo. Then October came to an end.
I sailed into November still high on having a great time with baseball, counting down my treatments to 2 more rounds. I started shopping for my "Lets get back to my old self" plan, I bought vitamins, shampoos, I started going up and down flights of stairs during commercial breaks, all to prepare myself for trying to get "me" back, but most importantly, it gave me HOPE that all of this was almost over. The drug I was taking for these rounds Taxotere, it wasn't as bad as the FEC I had for the first 3 rounds. I felt like crap following my treatments, but the difference was I could actually function. I didn't find myself chained to my bed watching a Daria marathon, or on the cold bathroom tile. Then finally, on November 18th, I had my last round of chemo, I felt like I was graduating from college, I got hugs from my nurses, and even a song to celebrate I was done. I couldn't have been more relieved...all that meant to me was my hair should grow back now. It's hard to explain it, but don't realize your vanity until it has been stripped from you.
Coming into December, I had wisps of hairs on my head, and remnants for lashes or brows. It wasn't until after the chemotherapy ended did my lashes and brows had started to fall. I avoided the mirror at home, and did what I could to avoid it at work. It was everything I could do to not cry when I looked into the mirror. For people around me, I talked about my "hair crisis" often, I made everything to be funny, I laughed and I joked, but on the inside I was devastated. A normal person probably would have retreated and stayed at home, but I couldn't. I had to put myself out there, for some odd reason it gave me strength. To me, staying at home gave cancer a winning edge on me, because even though it wasn't the cancer itself causing the side effects, they were related to the cancer. I started radiation mid-December. Every morning, I went in laid very very still on a table, while the therapists drew on me with sharpies, and radiation was given to me. I did this every day for 25 times, Monday - Friday. My hair began growing back, at the same time my skin was burning. It was an interesting trade off. I now have a oddly symmetrical tan lines, and the old burns are still peeling off, which is really grows. My skin looks like that mom from New Jersey that tanned to much.
So, this comes to where am I at now. I have had a follow up with my oncologist, and I have been declared cancer free. Its a great feeling, but for me its bittersweet. One's battle cancer is never truly over. There is always a life time of what ifs, and a constant monitoring of myself to ensure that nothing comes back. What makes it worse for me, is my stupid BRCA2 mutation. Instead of basking in my cancer free declaration, I was immediately reminded of my bodies predisposition to cancer, and how I need to start thinking about having kids so I can have a prophylactic ovary removal surgery before my ovaries try to kill me too. My doctor wants me to have this surgery, like yesterday. I told my doctor that right now I need a break, I just finished poisoning and burning my body, I really couldn't think about that chapter of my life. So, my decision with the doctor was to just move on to hormone therapy while I sort everything out, now I am now taking a pill called tamoxifen. So while I am not exactly following doctors orders...again...I have a good reason as to why I am choosing to live my life first, and not worry about my new cancer risks. And I promise I will explain that reason in my next post...
