Why haven't we figured out how to get rid of this deadly beast, I don't understand. It takes, our children, our parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, and friends...yet nothing. There is no true cure. In my mind, a cure would be making sure that one more person doesn't lose a loved one, one more child won't walk across a stage without mom or dad, one more parent won't outlive his/her own child. That is not the case right now, so as a society we do what we can to support our loved ones, we rally behind them, we tell stories about success, mourn after defeat.
Cancer can take an emotional toll, and some of the tiniest offsets can run a person's entire week. Not everyone is strong through their battle. Some people need to have their handheld every step of the way, while others, would prefer to have a cheering section when needed, and their old life back when not. I am part of a support group that allows women around my age an open forum for everything. It allows women to compare, get mad, be sad, ask questions and get opinions. What I have taken most from this group is the anger some these women feel. I feel there are days that all I read is "F**k Cancer," "Why me," "its just not fair, so-so just doesn't understands. One day, in a matter of 2 hours, I watched the women filled with anger, shun another, all because she said she didn't like the "F" word. She spoke up on how she was put off by the constant negatively, and was essentially bullied out of the group because "We have breast cancer, we can say whatever the hell we want," unfortunately no matter how open a forum is, there is no reason someone should be treated as a second class citizen. That's what anger from cancer does to people.
After I begin telling people, I was overwhelmed with this cheering section, everyone telling me that I was going to kick ass, telling me I was strong, and that they knew I could do it. All of which brought me to tears more then once, its nice feeling that support. At the same time its hard to hear when people begin telling stories of their family and friends to succeeded, and some who didn't. The group seems regularly updated by yet another woman who has lost her battle. The truth is, I don't know what side I will be on. I plan to win this war now, but who knows if there will not be another battle in the future that I could lose. I have found two ways to explain to people about the BRCA2 gene mutation I possess, 1. "that's why Angelina had her mastectomy" or 2. my diagnosis was a matter of when, not if. I am fully aware, I may not have been diagnosed with BC, but this gene puts me at a higher risk then majority of the population. Now that I have been diagnosed, I feel like cancer was in my fate all along. My lack of anger makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Don't get me wrong, there are days I am pissed, I am so mad, I would rip out my hair if I had any, but ultimately I am not angry. Anger is a natural emotion, one of which we all feel. We all have our issues while dealing with our own battles, cancer or not. For me, my two current issues are fertility and eyebrows. I know those two are on complete opposite sides of the spectrum, but those are my things. I want to have kids, I may never have kids. I know we have frozen embryos, and people make it lighthearted that we are going to have kids, but it doesn't work like that. We don't know. We may have frozen embryos, but we don't know if or when I will be able carry. Yet, I don't let this get me down. I have had so many people seem surprised by the way I carry myself, and the way I have taken all of this. My only response is that it's my only choice. If I let cancer take my quality of life from me, what do I have left? I refuse to let cancer win. I am forever going to have an underlying fear of "what if," but I refuse to allow my life to be consumed by the what ifs. Temporarily, I am grounded from travel, and I can't do some of the things I enjoy most in life. The key word for me is temporarily. I am counting down to the he day I walk out of the doctors office with the "no evidence of the disease" stamped on my paperwork will be one of my top 5 days of my life. I know for the long term that there is always a possibility of a reoccurrence, or even a different form of cancer somewhere in my body. The only problem with that possibility, is these stupid little cancer cells do not know who they are messing with. No matter what comes my way, I will come out with a victory.
